Well, that was fun. Yay.
I think it’s true. Every time I have some sort of expectation that something will be good, it’s bound to disappoint. This formula was put to the test today when I got pushed out of an airplane at 18,000 feet.
Yeah, nice ride and all. But after all the build-up, come on. Better than sex? Get real. It changes your life? Um. Well, so does a cup of coffee. You leave all your fears behind? Not hardly.
First of all, I was never afraid. Or more to the point, I was never afraid of the jump. I trusted the instructor and I trusted the equipment. I entertained some fantasies about dying on the way down, but I never actually thought it was even in the realm of possibility. I was more afraid of not doing something right and being revealed as foolish or stupid. I actually thought that dying because the chute wouldn’t open or because the harness broke would be not a bad way to go: free-fall the whole way down and have it over with quickly and painlessly? Sounds like a great way to go.
Maybe it’s that most people don’t go through any sort of life-threatening experiences to find out that they can face fear? Maybe I don’t have the kind of fear that one gets from falling out of an airplane?
When I was 20 a roommate who was not taking her Lithium attacked me with a butcher knife. That day I learned something about myself. I flinch at loud noises; I’d always assumed that I’d freeze like a deer in the headlights if some kind of threat presented. Instead, I disarmed her without thinking about it. My own ability to act took me more by surprise than the assault did.
When a 13-year-old jumped me as I was riding my bicycle, which knocked me down and broke my thumb, I didn’t run. I got up and faced him, more bewildered than anything. When he punched me and shouted obscenities, I knew he couldn’t pick up my bike and take it away without leaving himself open to an attack. I stood him off until he backed away, then took my bike and left him there.
So I guess I already knew that I could overcome fearful situations and I didn’t need to spend $330 having myself videotaped looking goofy being asked dumb question like “how do you feel?”
I guess what I’m disappointed in mostly is that I was expecting a fix. I wanted a rush, a drug, something to make be whole and make me better. Instead I fell from the airplane, looked around at the beautiful scenery, had a nice little roller-coaster ride, and landed. The thing is, I want my fear taken away from me. I’m still a constantly fearful individual. I’m afraid of people and afraid of failure and even more afraid of success. Everyone has told me that after jumping from an airplane, you have nothing to be afraid of. Well, it didn’t work. There aren’t any shortcuts. Or at least skydiving isn’t one of them. I wanted to be drunk on adrenaline, to lose myself in fear, to have some sort of transformative experience.
I wish I hadn’t ordered the photos and the videotape. I guess I’ll have them to send to relatives or whatever, but it seems like a waste. I was embarrassed to have the camera near me and I don’t think I said anything even remotely worthwhile.
Oh, I did find a broken cog on the ground that looks really cool. Made me wonder how it broke and what it was used for.