Vision

I went to a visions meditation and ceremony today. It was really calming and more than a little revealing.

Investigating my vision for myself is about uncovering more aspects of the vision I’ve always had for myself rather than inventing something new. Sometimes aspects take on new meanings, but the process is remembering and allowing myself to realize that these things are possible, or at least that I deserve to have this perfect thing, even if it’s only in my imagination.

So I’ve known this for years, at least since high school. My vision of myself when I’m (ahem) grown up and living in the (ahem) real world looks like this: a place to live with large windows and plenty of natural light. Through the windows it is possible to see trees and water. Inside there are hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a comfortable chair with a reading lamp. There are many books around; there are shelves full of them. And my drawing table is there, and I work at it during the day, and read in the evenings. There is a cat with me. I draw with a pen and ink and write letters to loved ones by hand with a fountain pen at a clean, uncluttered desk.

What I noticed today is that this doesn’t include a partner. As far as I can recall, it never has. It is not a part of this vision to have a wife or girlfriend. I can guess at two possible reasons, and I’ll list the easiest one first: that I’ve been in as much denial about my own ability, or even right to have a mate that I’ve pushed aside any thoughts of who she might be and have just taken who I could as I’ve gone along. This is supported by the fact that at several times during my life I have had dreams about finding and falling in love with a girl or woman with whom I match perfectly. It could be that what’s in my mind and heart and repressed in my consciousness, gets squeezed out into my dreams.

The other possibility is that I am here for something else. Perhaps the vision is clear: that there is no one else, that I desire and require an almost solitary life. That’s a perplexing possibility. I spend a lot of energy looking for my mate, but perhaps I shouldn’t be looking outside myself for what I need. At the very least it seems clear that I need to focus on my work and on being useful to others. If there is to be a relationship in my life, it’ll happen by itself without my effort. Even then it may be important for me to keep my mind on my work first and foremost, and keep my ability to have solitude intact.

Wacko theory: my soul is to a woman what her body is to me. That is to say, something that is generally more appealing when concealed and shrouded in mystery.

I’m reminded of advice from the Tao Te Ching that I never follow: «Keep your mouth shut, guard your senses.» I’ve gotten in trouble for sharing my observations. Is it dishonest to simply not mention what I observe? I think I need to keep things to myself more, perhaps most of all because I might be right.