Paradox

Wandering through random people’s journals this morning I came across someone’s journal that resonated with me quite a bit. The more I read, the more intrigued I became. And the more I read, the more I saw ways in which our circumstances are similar, which explained the resonance. And then…

A painful awareness hit me. This person described how she had stopped pursuing dating and romantic relationships because she is whole and does not require a partner to complete her. The resonance comes not from the commonality between us, although some circumstances are the same. The resonance comes from our diametric understanding; she believes something I tell myself as a fairy story to comfort myself in the terrifying darkness.

I don’t let myself reach out because I’ve discovered something similar. It is useless to search for a partner to complete me, because I cannot be completed. I’m too far broken. I’ve given up on any hope that a human power can fix what’s wrong with me. As if I were mortally wounded, I’ve stopped looking for help and I just want to make peace with God before I die.

But I’m far too stubborn for that. In my world there must be no rule left unchallenged, no axiom left undenied, no brick wall left without my smashing my head into it. I do almost everything backwards, and I’ve gotten very good at pulling minor miracles out of thin air to stay a few steps ahead of a world I’ve been daring to kill me.

A line on the song playing: “If I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone.”

But being alone is a cop-out and I have to admit that. It’s not that someone else can complete me, but I cannot be complete until I have let go of my selfish obsession enough to notice someone else in my life. I will be a hollow parody of a human being until I can make something else more important to myself than my self.

That something can be God, but even that’s a cop-out. Saying that the ineffable is the most important thing in my life is easy, but what does it mean unless I can put it into action? Faith without works is dead, n’est-ce pas? And if God speaks through other people, then I need to speak to God through other people. We cannot be at peace with God and at odds with our fellows. So I’m right back to how do I act in this world?

If I aspired to greatness, I’d devote myself to all creatures. But that’s a pretty tall order. So start with something a little less ambitious: can I make just one person more important to me than myself? Sadly the answer seems to be no. I’m just too fucking selfish to unwrap myself from myself.

OK, you win. I’m too much of a solipsist. A narcissistic solipsist.

So how do I grow out of myself? I need to know this. It’s killing me.