More Human than Human

Justified anger nearly got me killed last night.

I was riding my bicycle home from work, with all my lights and blinkers operating. I (usually) obey traffic laws when I ride, so I stopped for a red light at Market and Van Ness. There was a cop directing traffic as well as the light. I kept my eye on the cop when the light changed, expecting him to move one of his hands to indicate that we should go or not. He didn’t, but four lanes of traffic started moving anyway, so I started off, a little slow because I have toeclips and straps, and those are a sucky way to affix one’s feet to pedals.

A BMW honked at me. Not a friendly toot, but a lean on the horn as he floored his gas pedal going past. Apparantly he didn’t like being in the lane behind someone on a bicycle who gave a hoot what the traffic cop was instructing traffic to do.

OK, I’ll back up a little. I’d already been riding a couple miles, not hard, but Van Ness at rush hour can be a little hectic. I’d been riding pretty aggressively, which I think is the only way to ride in traffic. I don’t believe in hiding from cars, I trust that if they know where I am that they won’t go out of their way to get me. So I take up lanes and crap like that. But I’m always pretty well aware of what’s around me and I don’t like to let cars get too close. I’m not reckless, but I do get out there in the road and make myself seen.

So I had Rob Zombie running through my head. I was in that zone. Just powering my way through traffic like a badass or something. Feeling superior and getting off on surfing through the danger of unpredictable drivers.

Then this guy in the BMW leans on his horn and powers past me in my lane. Totally illegal, of course, but more than that it was just disrespect.

Like who do you think I am, anyhow?

So of course this guy was in the wrong. And of course I used the quadriceps God gave me to show him that I could outpace his Bimmer, at least in traffic. I passed him on the right and cut him off, and slowed down just to show him who the boss is: ME.

Well, I was slowing down, but the car in front of me was slowing down even more. So self-preservation dictated that I had made my point and that I should move on. I swerved to the right and passed the car in front of me on the right.

Just as he made a hairpin right hand turn onto 12th street without signalling.

There’s only so hard you can turn a bike that’s moving at a high rate of speed. You have to lean in at just the right amount. Too much and the bike slides out from under you. Not enough and you fall over in the direction you were traveling before you started the turn. I turned it hard to the right, but not only was there a big American car on my left, but a curb on my right. The more I turned, the closer the car got to the curb. I saw my passageway get narrower and narrower as my balance grew more and more tenuous.

I shouted a single word, describing something I’d rather be doing instead of getting run over by a car. I think the driver must have heard me, because the gap widened and the car slowed. I shot out ahead and cut left onto 12th and back onto Mission.

I’ve always found a bit of irony in that line “More human than human,” which was the motto of the Tyrell Corporation in the film Blade Runner. The fact that I’d just had the White Zombie song running through my head underscored this sense. What does it mean to be human? To be fallible, to be vulnerable. Well as I sped down Mission after that close call, I was certainly feeling more human than human. More vulnerable, more capable of error than I normally do. And the synergy of my error leading to such visceral proof of my vulnerability made for a very poignant moment.

I remember Ben telling me about some writers on LJ writing with forced and tortured prose. No doubt using the words “synergy”, “visceral”, and “poignant” in the same sentence I’ve just shot to the top of the tortured prose list. Ugh.

Five minutes after I got off the bike at 23rd and Capp (my one stop before going the rest of the way home) I was still shaking. The adrenaline seemed to have saturated my entire body.

Still, It was very clear to me that this was just proof that I can’t handle justified anger. The guy in the BMW was an asshole, and he defied my will. That made me angry and I went to defy his will. The trouble is, when I’m defying the will of a 3500 pound heap of metal, glass, and combustible fluids, I’m out and out asking God to squash me.

Interestingly, although the guy who turned right didn’t use his turn signal, he didn’t piss me off as much as the guy that honked at me. The guy that honked at me made me mad because he honked at me. My anger was justified by the fact that he did something illegal. I was not mad because he did something illegal, I felt justified in chasing him down. The guy who turned without signaling just scared me. My pride didn’t come into play at all, so the fact that he did something illegal was a teeny minor point. I’m also grateful that he slowed and let me through. But it’s not so easy for me to get self-righteous about it when I see how selective I am about who I’ll be mad at.