Bitterness

In private correspondence, someone I used to trust wrote the following:

sometimes it’s easier to just be bitter

This is surprisingly true. It is easier just being bitter. I don’t know where I’d be without my bitterness. It is the fuel that keeps me moving and which makes me strong. Bitter, I can look my reflection in the eye. Bitter, I show up at the gym. Bitter, I can keep others at bay. Bitter, I don’t have to hurt. Bitter I can be so angry that I temper myself and become stronger, like a scar knitting over a wound or muscles rebuilding the microtears from overwork to become bigger and more powerful.

If I’m not bitter, what will happen to me? As I let go of bitterness I become vulnerable for others to hurt me. As I let go of bitterness, I sit in the same place and get soft and fat and weak. My bitterness purges me of my sloth and feeds my vanity.

But yes, bitterness is a character defect, isn’t it? As such it cannot be any more than a temporary crutch. We learn our defensive characteristics from pain and they keep us alive until we heal. So I should trust that the healing will make me stronger than continuing to pull at the wounds will.

Can I trust this?

Namu kea butsu
Namu kea e so
Namu kea e ho

A disciple of Buddha does not harbor ill will: It’s not that one doesn’t have ill will, but one does not keep it around. I’ve been keeping it around.
A disciple of Buddha does not abuse sexuality: This is called sexual, social, emotional anorexia
A disciple of Buddha does not intoxicate mind or body of self or others My chemical sobriety is (for the moment we hope) not in question, but does this not apply to toxic reasoning?